Waiting

It’s a contemplative one for me today. Here I sit ( still on my blogging break, shhh) on a brink, at a junction, about to pass through a door – I can’t think of the right metaphor. I’m in a middle space looking forward and reflecting back, waiting for the new life that’s inside me to take up residence in the outside world.

From the word go, this baby will change the world. EVERY baby changes the world… at the moment of every birth the world has to adjust its physical matter a tad…making room, making space.

Of course the world she will change the most is my world, external and internal. Wherever she is born, and by whatever process, she will teach me a bit more about myself and I’ll continue to learn everyday with her.

Am I ready? Well the birth preparation is done, the house is clean, meals in the freezer. I’m feeling serene, calm, positive, excited and totally up for this.

But am I ready? Are any of us ever ready? I don’t know if she’s going to be ok, I can just hope. And then I can’t predict how I’ll feel when I first see her, or how I’ll feel in the weeks or months afterwards. If she is ok I can’t anticipate how I’ll cope this time with the sleep deprivation, the breastfeeding, the unending demand of a newborn.

What I do know with wonderful clarity, however, and thanks in part to an unnerving, exhausting, ‘all-in’ first year with my first child is that my identity is strong. I know who I am and I know that motherhood is part of that. I’ve reached my lowest lows with it and my highest highs. It has undoubtedly made me happier, more confident and stronger than I’ve ever been before.

I also know that the much bandied around phrase ‘this too shall pass’ is actually TRUE. Who would have thought it!? I didn’t – I genuinely believed all the confusion, anxiety and exhaustion I felt at the beginning of my son’s life was how I would feel FOREVER. This was not a helpful prospect. But nothing is permanent…my independent, hilarious, giving, loving, chatty little three year old reminds me of that every day.

I can’t say that any of this will make the transition to being a mother to two children any easier – there’s too much I don’t know – but there’s a blueprint on my body, my mind and my heart left by son and ready for my daughter to follow.

I can’t wait to meet her.

Me with son pointing at bump

 

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22 thoughts on “Waiting

  1. The waiting and wondering. I remember it well. Whilst each child brings with them new things to learn I think that they also bring with them a realisation of how much we have already learnt through our first child. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you Kirsten. It’s a funny place this bit. I like your analysis about what we’ve already learnt…I hope so, I don’t think I could do the complete floundering a second time. I’ll be in touch properly soon. Hope all’s well with you and your family now X

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  2. Aww, I didn’t know you knew you were having a girl! This is so beautiful, so touching. You seem to have such a gentleness and clarity with everything you write, it makes it so endearing. If I’m really honest, I’ve never felt I’ve fitted comfortably in my role of ‘mother.’ And given that I felt my whole life was gearing up to being a parent, I can’t quite seem to work through these feelings in my head. Like you say, everything can be ready, the house, the nursery, the meals stocked up, but being READY ready is a different thing! Although you sound really on this, if anyone is ready, it sounds like you are! Good luck!! Xx

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    1. What a really lovely comment Lucy, thank you. And I think identity can be such a confusing thing to work through(I suppose we don’t stop, it always evolves), and particularly the impact of motherhood and even more so if we’ve held expectations on ourselves for any reason. You’re a beautiful person. Thank you for the luck…I think I’ll need it! Xx

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  3. Beautiful post. I remember that time of waiting and wondering what it would be like when my second child arrived. I love your reminder that every baby changes the world. I don’t think you can ever be quite ready for it but you will adjust to life with two children and it will soon seem like life was always that way. Hope all goes well with your little one’s arrival x #triballove

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  4. It’s exciting times Lucy. You sound so ready, I can only imagine what the waiting of those last few weeks would be like. Different to that of a first completely. Wishing you all the best for the safe arrival of your little girl, can’t wait to ‘virtually’ meet her too X

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  5. Lovely post – I think “this too shall pass” is the one single thing that has stopped me going loopy second time around. Also you’ll notice in yourself an increased sense of patience, of not wanting to rush through stages and milestones quite so keenly as you might have done first time around. I joke about the poor neglected second child but she’s got far less pressure heaped on her…I’m happily watching her grow into her skin without a second thought of what she should be doing. Can’t wait to hear your news xxx

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  6. It’s all so exciting but it is all quite daunting when you already have a child/children. In my eyes there is never a perfect time to have children – the perfect time ends up being the time that it is happening. I got pregnant with my second when I was in my first year at university and my firstborn was only 15 months but I carried on, took a term out and went back.. hardest year of my life! But it works and we’re happy and I can’t imagine not having both of my boys. I never planned to have children so close in age but now I can’t imagine it any different and the small age gap is perfect.. I’m now pestering my oh to have another with a close age gap now our second is 1 next month 😂

    Good luck with the birth! I hope it goes well!

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    1. Ahhh I think you are so right, we can wonder and try to plan and think things through but the perfect timing is probably both the ‘wrong’ time and the ‘right’ time. And as you say when it all happens you can’t imagine any different anyway. Thank you for the comment x

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  7. A new adventure awaits! I can’t give you any advice, but all I will say is that we are all at the other end of the phone if ever you need us! I look forward to welcoming her into the world, even if it may only be virtually! Absolutely gorgeous photo! Good luck ❤️❤️❤️ Xxxxx

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  8. Oh Lucy this is so gorgeous, your writing is beautiful as always. And the picture is lovely! I have no idea what it’s like to have two, obviously, but I imagine the fact you’re so comfortable in your role as a mother and so aware that all the worst bits are phases will stand you in good stead. I can’t wait to hear all about her ❤️❤️

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  9. Ah, the waiting game. I hope your little lady doesn’t make you wait to long! Just remember that you’ve done this before, so you have some idea of what to expect – and that the worst bits will pass. It’s great to read your writing again.

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