It’s a contemplative one for me today. Here I sit ( still on my blogging break, shhh) on a brink, at a junction, about to pass through a door – I can’t think of the right metaphor. I’m in a middle space looking forward and reflecting back, waiting for the new life that’s inside me to take up residence in the outside world.
From the word go, this baby will change the world. EVERY baby changes the world… at the moment of every birth the world has to adjust its physical matter a tad…making room, making space.
Of course the world she will change the most is my world, external and internal. Wherever she is born, and by whatever process, she will teach me a bit more about myself and I’ll continue to learn everyday with her.
Am I ready? Well the birth preparation is done, the house is clean, meals in the freezer. I’m feeling serene, calm, positive, excited and totally up for this.
But am I ready? Are any of us ever ready? I don’t know if she’s going to be ok, I can just hope. And then I can’t predict how I’ll feel when I first see her, or how I’ll feel in the weeks or months afterwards. If she is ok I can’t anticipate how I’ll cope this time with the sleep deprivation, the breastfeeding, the unending demand of a newborn.
What I do know with wonderful clarity, however, and thanks in part to an unnerving, exhausting, ‘all-in’ first year with my first child is that my identity is strong. I know who I am and I know that motherhood is part of that. I’ve reached my lowest lows with it and my highest highs. It has undoubtedly made me happier, more confident and stronger than I’ve ever been before.
I also know that the much bandied around phrase ‘this too shall pass’ is actually TRUE. Who would have thought it!? I didn’t – I genuinely believed all the confusion, anxiety and exhaustion I felt at the beginning of my son’s life was how I would feel FOREVER. This was not a helpful prospect. But nothing is permanent…my independent, hilarious, giving, loving, chatty little three year old reminds me of that every day.
I can’t say that any of this will make the transition to being a mother to two children any easier – there’s too much I don’t know – but there’s a blueprint on my body, my mind and my heart left by son and ready for my daughter to follow.
I can’t wait to meet her.