Trapped But Happy – My Pregnancy Paradox

I don’t know how to start this post, I think I should probably start with a disclaimer and a plea.

Disclaimer: This in many ways a selfish post, I know that. I know there are people feeling dark things and going through horrible things, I am not one of those people. I am incredibly lucky to be pregnant. I wouldn’t want to wish it away and I know there are thousands of people who would give anything to be in my position. I am already a little bit in love with my next child, I hope with all my heart to meet them in September and I wish nothing but goodness, health and light for them…I think it’s fair to say that this post isn’t about them as a reality just them as a concept.

Plea: I’m not looking for judgement, I’m looking for advice – am I normal, is this normal? Will everything sort itself out!?

Right so no pressure my wise readers! And please bear all that in mind as I embark on what could be a confusing medley of hormonal emotions, we’ll see…

I’m going to start at the beginning: I haven’t enjoyed this pregnancy so far. Nothing unusual in that I’m sure, first trimesters can be an arse. And mine was actually. In fact the start of the second still is. I don’t feel AS bad but the sickness is lingering which probably isn’t helping my feelings.

Feelings which are predominantly ones of entrapment. I feel trapped. I feel trapped by feeling ill firstly. Trapped in my bed and house for a long while, then less physically stuck but still trapped in a daily cycle of nausea, tiredness and now vertigo. Trapped by all those other little pregnancy symptoms that I’d somehow blanked but are now coming back to me with a vengeance.

I feel trapped in the surrender, current and future, of my body. The rest of the pregnancy beckons then the labour, the birth, the recovery, the breastfeeding, the sleep deprivation. I have always struggled with this – my body is MY body.

Yet, sensibly I know that I am willingly sharing it with my children and all these things are borne out of love and are temporary. Breastfeeding my son caused an internal struggle and shift in me like no other – it was in every way a labour of love for me – but I did it. My birth, the one I spent nine months being anxious about, was an incredibly empowering experience. And, after twelve months of parenting my son with everything I could give, my confidence and happiness was – and still is – sky high.

But still I feel trapped…scared. I want to stamp my feet and wail and say I don’t want to do it all again, it’s someone else’s turn…

And so the big one creeps in…resentment. Resentment towards my teammate, my best friend, my husband…the one in this equation who gets to keep their body to themselves, who travels abroad, who can shut the front door and focus his energy somewhere else for a few hours and days, who forgets to tell friends that we’re pregnant because his whole body isn’t reminding him every minute, who has been able to continue and thrive in a job that he loves. A job that is placed on a pedestal; a job where perspective and priorities outside it can be seen as detrimental.

I gave up my job, willingly I should add, to stay at home with our child. ‘What’s a few years?’ I said. But the few years, three maybe four, now look like turning into six, maybe seven or eight. I may have not only given up my job but my career as well.

And so I feel scared, resentful, lost, trapped.

And then I get to what is probably the crux of it…two children. Two actual children dependent on little old me. The burden of responsibility feels overwhelming. I know I’m already a parent and proud of it, but it feels as though I will really be a parent. At the moment life feels free – one child feels fairly straightforward, we can go places, travel around together, shape our lives around each other as things come up – preschool, family, hobbies. The three of us are a little team, will we still be a team when we become four?

Or will it become ‘them’ vs me? Will I be able to retain the relationship I have with my son? I’m scared about losing it and I’m scared about not having the ability to create such a good relationship with his sibling.

I’m scared too about this next child…little things like what if they don’t sleep? Big things like what if they don’t make it, what if they’re not ok? Too many things to dwell on.

And so I feel scared, resentful, lost, overwhelmed and still trapped.

I want to run away.

But I want to run away with my unborn baby safe inside me, my husband and my son at my side. So what really do I want to run away from?

I don’t know. All I know is that I didn’t feel this with my first child…I remember being a very happy pregnant person, ALL my anxiety was focused on the birth instead, far simpler. Actual parenting – living with and loving a child was too far removed from my reality to feature in coherent thoughts.

I’m wondering how others felt before they had a second child? I read a silly survey about happiness that said mothers with one child were happier than those with more…there are so many flaws in this, but I can’t get it out of my mind. What if the confidence and happiness I’ve found with one child is halved, not doubled, with two?

Writing it all down has helped immeasurably and I know these thoughts are a symptom of mood swings…if I focus on the Spring sunshine, the curry that’s ordered for dinner, my son’s cuddles I feel ok. But then the low mood comes visiting and it all creeps back up. I’m hoping to get out of this fug soon, I’m hoping I don’t let resentment eat away at my lovely relationship, I’m hoping to feel more positive, emboldened and proud of my decisions soon, I’m hoping to find a way of retaining a foot in my career (or find a new one), I’m hoping this is all relatively normal, I’m hoping to stop throwing up soon, I’m hoping to turn a corner.

And so, after some debate, I decide to publish this post, yes for advice…but also because if I don’t I think I’m in some way adding to the idea that only positive feelings are valid for positive events. The same attitude which makes some women feel so stigmatised if they suffer from Postnatal Depression or anxiety after the birth of their baby.

Then something happened, something devastating that is not my story to tell and a big rain shower of perspective fell on my frankly luxurious ramblings…and I know this is where I want to be and the questions and worries, resentment and fear will fade in the face of an actual little person with a heartbeat and a personality. I wish with every bit of me that everyone who wants this gets it, whatever emotions have to come with the package. And ultimately I’m back at the disclaimer – feeling like the luckiest person in the world right now, just trying to work out how to get that message through to my hormones.

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60 thoughts on “Trapped But Happy – My Pregnancy Paradox

  1. Brilliantly written and perfectly said I am really glad you published this because you were right about the need for honesty and not validating that only positive feelings are for positive events. That is why some mums with PND feel stigmatised. You must feel happy, you’ve just had a baby or you’ve just found out your pregnant. But never everyone feels that way. Brilliant post!!! 🌸

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    1. Thank you so much and thank you for sharing. Yes, I think that is the biggest reason to share these things. I can’t be the only one with confusing thoughts and it makes me so sad when expectation is piled on people at any stage in their life. Thank you for the support lovely xx

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  2. I felt that same resentment after the birth of my first child, but I was resentful of her because we were having difficulty breastfeeding. I finally decided to stop trying to breastfeed because it was damaging my relationship with my child. I also suffered from postpartum depression with both children, and I think one of the things that led into it is the idea that the mother has to put the child’s needs ahead of her own. It is true that some of those needs must come first — the baby has to be fed, she has to be comforted when she cries, she has to have a safe place to sleep, etc. But the “how” of those needs should not come before the mother’s needs, in my opinion. The period of time after childbirth is an extremely delicate time for a mother, and she needs to take care of herself before she can take care of anyone else. If that means formula feeding instead of breastfeeding, do it. If that means passing the baby to your partner when her crying is getting on your nerves, do it. I didn’t begin to recover from my PPD until I realized that what I needed to do to take care of myself would not harm my baby.

    All that being said, I am very happy with two children, happier in a different way than I was when I just had one. Happier in a fuller way.

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    1. Happier in a fuller way is a beautiful way of putting it. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m so glad that you were able to find ways eventually to look after yourself. You articulate the problems with it all exactly. I absolutely believe that the Mother must be looked after post-birth…it’s an incredibly delicate, vulnerable time and it’s not good enough to say as long as the baby’s ok that’s all that matters. No that’s not all that matters. My midwife used to say that the day a baby is born a family is born…therefore a family needs to be cared for. Thank you again so much for commenting x

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  3. I agree with Catie, I’m so glad you published this post. I think every woman has these thoughts. We’re the ones with the outrageous hormones, body changes, and life changes and will make us question and worry. Just think how happy you will be when you hold your bundle of joy for the first time and sit down as a family of four x

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    1. Yes, got to hold on to the end game! Thanks Michaela…I imagine lots of people do feel lots of things, it can be a confusing time. Thank you for the support…publishing hasn’t been too bad after all so far!

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  4. I only have one child, but had many of the same feelings when I was pregnant – feeling like my body wasn’t my own, resenting my husband, anxiety about whether or not the baby would be okay (this was a HUGE one for me). I’m sure a lot of women share your fears about having a second child (I know I’ve thought some of these things when I’ve considered having another baby), so while I can’t give any advice on what comes after, I can safely say that you’re not alone. 🙂

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    1. Thank you, of course I imagine these things are true of first pregnancies as well. The resentment has been an interesting one for me…I mean it is a bit unfair that we have to do it all isn’t it!? But I don’t think it had ever manifested itself into resentment before now. Reassuring to hear your thoughts and experiences, thank you so much for commenting x

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  5. I think if I was in your situation I may well feel the same way. It must be difficult being with a partner who gets to have an uninterrupted career that he loves and a lovely wife and children, and you have to shoulder the physical burden of pregnancy and the emotional one of the lion’s share of childcare, and you shouldn’t have to feel that just because in many ways your life is very blessed, you should only ever be allowed to have positive feelings. I’m sure that you are correct that hiding or denying those occasional negative thoughts has a part to play in PPD.

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    1. Yes the job thing gets to me…well at the moment it does anyway. It’s just all so publicly wonderful and I sometimes wonder if people in the world have their priorities straight about what’s really important. I think hiding negative thoughts or feeling like you shouldn’t be feeling them can be very unhelpful. Thank you for commenting Min x

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  6. Girl, I totally feel you, and I’m right there with you. Quite literally, as I’m 33 weeks pregnant with Baby #2. My anxieties came from that same feeling of being trapped in identity as ‘just mother.’ It manifests in sharing stuff with my so-called friends and family on facebook. If I put up yet another cute picture of my daughter, everyone likes it; yet if I bare my soul and share my latest blog post, I don’t even think anyone gives a sh*t, much less comments with encouraging, friendly thoughts. Plus, you’re still in those early, feeling-physically-awful stages when it is doubly difficult to feel anything but miserable.
    My latest post, one in which I embraced the visceral and metaphorical aspects of pregnancy, I’ll tell you, there’s no way I could have written that in either the first or the second trimesters. Maybe try and meditate for a few minutes on your body (not your mind for once) loving what it is doing right now: growing a baby. When evil thoughts pervade me and I start to get dragged down, this focusing on the increased blood volume, happy oxygen-carrying blood cells, the placenta that will only be alive and functioning for a little bit longer and all of these systems working together joyously to nourish the little life, I feel much more at peace. https://gospelisosceles.wordpress.com/2016/04/05/embracing-blessed-pregnancy/
    I hope you keep writing your way through this pregnancy and if you have a friend you can talk freely with, I’d suggest keeping your heart open and doing so. Thanks for your honest post.

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    1. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. You are so right…I used mindful techniques last pregnancy and they helped with all sorts of things. I should start making some time or using little moments to focus more on the body less on the mind! Thank you for sharing your post with me…isn’t it interesting how our process of responding to our bodies changes trimester to trimester? I love the positivity and peace that you have shared, thank you for taking the time to do so.

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  7. This is a wonderful post! I like to be honest so I must admit that when I read the disclaimer I felt slightly nervous, but it was completely unnecessary. I suffered with physical symptoms until 19 weeks and it is so draining. I also suffered with anxiety about the health of the baby and my own and the birth literally terrified me. I requested counselling and attended hypnobirthing and combined my mindset became extremely empowered and this has continued to get me through some tough times. Well done for publishing this. It is an important message to spread. Xxx

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    1. Thank you Laura that’s really kind…thank you for commenting and sharing a bit of your experience. I can relate to the anxiety first time, particularly about the birth…I think I downplay it in this post a little but it was all consuming. I’m thinking about hypnobirthing this time, we only touched on it last time.
      Thank you again and for the support in publishing!

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  8. This is beautiful. I felt a lot of those feelings when I was pregnant – although it was my first pregnancy – because your body suddenly isn’t solely yours anymore and that is unexpectedly hard to deal with. I have always wanted a big family but I completely understand your concerns – I love my time with my baby boy but it won’t be like this with a second child. But then you are giving your children siblings which is amazing – my siblings are my favourite people.

    Mothers really do need care during and after pregnancy, and all too often they don’t get it. Thank you for sharing this. Ellen X

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    1. Ah I love that your siblings are your favourite people, that’s a lovely thing to say. I think time with a second will be different but it sounds from everyone that different doesn’t necessarily mean worse! Thank you for commenting and sharing your thoughts x

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  9. Well said that woman. My second pregnancy was crap from about 20 weeks, for reasons not relevant to this comment, but alongside the crapness was the inescapable fact that there was not the luxury of following every pregnancy whim, what with work, a husband, and a 3 year old, and all that bum wiping, feeding and caring that goes with it. Pregnancy was more about endurance, extreme fatigue and inconvenience, in stark contrast to those blooming, centred, calm and definitely non-sweaty and non-vaginal leaking mothers-to-be that seemed to be everywhere I bloody looked.

    My most uttered phrase during both pregnancies and the first 6months of Babydom? ” THIS IS FUCKING RELENTLESS!” My husband nearly got me a tee shirt with it on. And even now, some days, I bend down to pick up a handful of squashed peas from under the table and still whisper it to myself.
    And as far as changing your relationship with your son, it will. But it changed mine for the better. I watch him interact and nurture his brother and saw new sides to him that I hadn’t seen before. Delightful sides. I also see him punch him, but you know, that’s okay too. He does get quite annoying sometimes.
    And luckily, I believe that love for your kids is not a finite resource. It’s not like a packet of Maltesers, that gets gobbled up quickly and leaves you staring into a white plastic void saying ‘oops, I probably should have saved some for tomorrow’. You will love number 2 just as much, and as deeply, as your first. Except when they throw peas under the table, of course.

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    1. What a wonderful comment, thank you. I wish you did have a t-shirt with that on…you could sell them I would think. I think I need to start being less scared of the changes and more accepting, dare I say maybe I should go with the flow a bit more…! As you say things will be different but that doesn’t necessarily mean worse, in face no one so far has said it’s worse. And relentless is different to worse…you adjust with the changes I imagine.
      Endurance is a great way of putting it. Ha, well I haven’t been out much so I’m yet to be exposed in this pregnancy to blooming, together, poised, calm pregnant people! I’ll remember your comment when I do!
      Thank you x

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  10. You, I feel sure, are a wonderful mother – your son is very lucky to have you. Soon, two children will be benefitting from your quirks and your gentleness and your thoughtfulness.
    Soon, your children will be benefitting from each other. And you will still be able to do some things that are just for your son, as well as finding things that are just for #2 to do with you. You will still be able to treasure them as individuals, whilst they will appreciate each other enormously.
    Yes, we are burdened by pregnancy and breastfeeding, but we are also privileged to be able to experience it. (and I know you know that) But I know where you’re coming from – it would be nice if you could put it to one side for a few hours, and pick it up again with fresh vigour and carry it again.
    You are perfectly justified in feeling all of these feelings. I hope you’re ok, sounds like you’ve had some difficult news.
    x a

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    1. You are lovely. This is a really thoughtful and interesting comment. I like that I’ll be able to spend time with both alone, I think I need to remember that…I’m just thinking about a newborn at the moment but they are not newborn for long are they!?
      I agree about the privilege completely…and honestly if there was a choice for it to be my husband’s turn I don’t know if I’d take it. Maybe if I could pick and choose bits for him to have, that would be good! I remember feeling exactly what you say about putting aside for a few hours when I came home from the hospital with E…I didn’t want him to go anywhere, I didn’t want anything to happen to him but I just wanted a ‘virtual’ week to get my head around everything!
      You’re a kind friend Alice, thank you X

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  11. This was a really well written good read. I really admire your honesty and sharing how you feel.
    You have absolutely nothing to worry about this is no way a selfish post. It is an honest and caring post. You care about your son and your new baby! I have never experienced what you are going through but I think your feeling are perfectly reasonable! X

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  12. I have three children (all teens and pre-teens now) and I still remember feeling trapped and “oh no, what have I done” when I was pregnant with each one. And it didn’t help that all the little aches and pains of pregnancy came earlier and more intensely with each pregnancy (aching back, nerve pinch in the leg, everything – what happened at 7 months with the first was there by month 2 with the 3rd!). I have no words of wisdom for you, except to say as soon as you see that little face, it will all be worth it, and the aches and pain and resentment and panic will vanish. (Only to surface again when they are teens and mouthing off to you… 😀 But I have decided to assume that this too shall pass.)

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    1. I would say you have just delivered a great deal of wisdom there, thank you! I obviously want everyone to be happy all the time (!)…but it is nice to hear that you felt the same each time and those things dissipated in the end. I’ve been really surprised by how much more pregnant I feel this time…as you say those aches, pains etc, it’s all jumped forward by about 4 months. Makes me wonder how I’ll be able to move by the end!
      Ooo teen fun…uh oh…can I forget that’s going to happen for now!?
      Thank you so much for commenting, I really appreciate it x

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  13. I don’t think this is selfish – having one child is a huge change; having a second is even huger AND you have first hand experience of pregnancy and the newborn months so you know (some of) what’s coming; of course you’re going to think about the tough bits as well as the good. My partner and I are only at the thinking-about-a-second stage and I have all of the fears you’ve mentioned – I’m pretty sure it’s normal!

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    1. I hope so..I mean I hope that it’s normal, from the responses so far it seems common which is nice. And yes I agree, knowing what’s coming makes it easier and harder…I’m excited about all the good bits but wouldn’t have believed pre-children just how hard the hard bits can be. Thank you for taking the time to comment, good luck with your thinking stage X

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  14. Such a wonderfully honest and brave post to share and I think there are a lot of other women who can relate to what you are feeling – you are certainly not alone in feeling this way. The prospect of having two children is a daunting one and it is easy to feel resentful towards your partner because in many ways his life hasn’t changed – or at least not in the constantly-being-reminded-by-your-body-and-your-hormones kind of way that it has for you. For me, these feelings didn’t come so much during the pregnancy but in the early months of life with two. You will find your new normal and you will learn to juggle all the needs of two – and the sibling bond is such a wonderful thing to see growing and developing. Hope the nausea eases soon and that you start to feel more upbeat.

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    1. Thank you Louise. Yes daunting is the word, I can imagine I’ll find those early months extremely tricky but will try to prepare myself for them…I mean not expect to feel amazing all the time, let myself off the hook etc. I like the sound of a new normal and I can actually juggle so maybe that will help a bit!
      Thank you as ever for a thoughtful comment x

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  15. Trying again! I think it’s perfectly normal to feel this way, and many people feel at least some of this.

    I don’t enjoy being pregnant. I had HG both times, & I was really ill nearly the whole pregnancy first time, & for two trimesters second time. I struggle with not being able to control the birth. I don’t like my body not being my own. & I don’t like being viewed as not fully fit or capable.

    I don’t really mind being the one who never gets time to themselves, or giving up a career. But I do mind about the reverse – being treated as worthless & not doing anything, & resented for caring for the children.

    Funnily enough, I also saw that study (or maybe another saying the same) that said that mothers are more unhappy following a second child, but fathers are not!

    I worried that my relationship with eldest would be affected and, because mine are so close in age, I felt guilty that she was being robbed of having the sole attention for longer. But these things don’t actually pan out. Nothing changed with her, & I love her sister just as much. In fact, because I love the youngest just as much, and she has never got to have all of my attention, I realised feeling guilty about the eldest losing that made little sense. The eldest loves having a little sister – she has gained much more than she has lost.

    As for what if they don’t sleep, etc. My youngest is actually a worse sleeper (& neither were good for the first year). She is also more clingy, more wilful, more of a crier. It’s still manageable. Even with two who both still need a lot of attention and help, it’s manageable. It is different, it does take more time & effort to organise things, but you adapt quickly & it becomes normal. There is not much time to yourself, but that’s kind of true just with one, once they are no longer babies and before they go to school, in my view. Two doesn’t change it so much. It’s more work, but it’s not double the work to go from one to two.

    People always tell me I must have my hands full with two so young. & I always agree, as you’re supposed to. But the honest truth is that I think it’s fine, & it feels like little one has always been there. All the worries and fears, and not being able to imagine it, are so natural, but they really do fade away.

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    1. I really appreciate you trying again, thank you, and with such an interesting and thoughtful comment. So wise, silly one!
      I completely agree that no, there’s not much time for myself with a toddler and I only have a finite about of no time so in some ways that just can’t double!
      Your point about what the eldest has gained really struck a chord…I hope mine does feel that, in time I’m sure all older siblings do. But of course, like you point out, any guilt about the time I soon won’t be able to spend with him should be weighed up with the time I’m spending with him now that I’ll never be able to spend with the youngest. Well except it will be different time with the youngest which they’ll know as the only reality.
      I’m still not sold on the sleep thing, you are a sleep machine (in that you seem to cope with little, as per previous conversations)…I want a sleeper! But, yes I know we’ll cope somehow with whatever. It’s not like my son sleeps through anyway every night so we’re quite used to nighttime activity now. And also I just want them to get to that point. Precarious is definitely the word.
      Thank you for commenting and your support. I’ll cheer up in my next post…snap a few bump shots, that sort of thing (!) xxxx

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      1. I think all, or at least most, older siblings do feel it, even if it takes them a little adjustment. &, of course, except with big age gaps, they never really remember having been the only child. I was two when my sister was born. I have no recollection of her ever not being there. The youngest knows no different, the eldest remembers no different. &, if it makes sense, I think we as parents remember the time when there was only one, but FEEL like they have both always been there.

        Anyway, it’s all completely worth it the first time you see your eldest trying to make their confused little sibling be ‘grandfather’ in some kind of bizarre, unexplained role play! They all do that, right? That’s not just my little oddity?!

        Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday.

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  16. Hormones suck don’t they? I think there are times when every mother, first, second, third time pregnant feels a bit like this really and then the anxiety towards parenting well, you know a bit more of what to expect don’t you so you have more to think and worry about? Whereas a first time mum only knows labour will be hard and painful, they don’t really know what parenting will be like! At least pregnancy is just a transition stage and not the end result and that you’ll get yourself back a little bit. #kcacols

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    1. Yes, you’re absolutely right…I like the way you’ve out a transition stage. It’s not a permanent state, so true! And yes I think knowing what being a parent is actually like is, on the one hand, amazing…on the other terrifying! Hormones do suck agreed, thank you very much for commenting x

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  17. I only have one but I hated being pregnant so much. I was sick all the time, couldn’t even wear make-up or deodorant because the smell would make me even more sick, and I just wanted it to be over… I felt really guilty because you’re supposed to be excited and glowing and all the rest of it. But, really, life isn’t that simplistic. We can look forward to something and be afraid of it at the same time. I think it’s just natural to worry because it is a huge transition, but once you’re actually doing it, it won’t seem as daunting. (If that makes any sense!)

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday x

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    1. Thanks Jess…I remember you posting about that, sounds awful. I agree, life isn’t simplistic is it and so a complicated mess of emotions come with that…throw in some hormones too. Ugh. Wise words, you’re right worrying is all about the future…the present has to take care of itself. I’ll remember that, thank you for commenting and for cohosting #KCACOLS this week x

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  18. I don’t think anything about this is selfish. they are normal worries, fears and feelings to be having I reckon. we only have one at the mo and a lot of the fears you have are ones I know I’d have too. try not to be hard on yourself. fingers crossed the nausea goes soon to so you can enjoy it a bit more x #kcacols

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  19. Yes, yes and yes. I’m really grateful you wrote this post. Firstly, please don’t feel this is selfish. I had two miscarriages last year and would have given anything to have been pregnant at that time but would STILL have understood the paradox of emotions that come with actually being pregnant. And it is ok to put those thoughts and feelings out there, as the more we talk about it, the more we will feel ok with saying “I don’t feel quite ok”. I’m now pregnant with number 3, and I definitely identify with how you feel. Secondly, I think it can definitely be more daunting after the first as you actually know the milk stained, bruised and sore, sleepless road you are about to follow, and quite how much it takes out of you physically and mentally. That being said, although having two children has had its moments where I have wanted to tear my hair out, I found the joy and love more than doubles, it explodes and somehow you find a way, your way, through. And you will, be kind to yourself x

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    1. Oh your last sentence made me all teary, thank you Michelle. Beautiful. It also made me feel a bit excited…I can’t imagine loving something as much as my son, it must be an amazing feeling to experience that for two people. Or more. You’re right about knowing what’s coming being a little worrying, it was so very hard…but I suppose it won’t be the same. Hard still I’m sure but in different ways.
      I’m so sorry you had to go through two miscarriages last year…Im so happy for your that number three is currently doing its thing, I’m with you every step (in a virtual way!) for this.
      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it, X

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  20. Such a heartfelt and honest post. I really do think hormones have so much to answer for. But I totally get you on this. I’ve decided I would like a second baby but at the same time I do have so many worries about it – like you I think my anxiety would be about after the birth and not being able to cope with two, whereas with the first you are so far removed from it you can’t really think past the labour. I’m sure this feeling will pass eventually and hopefully you’ll start to feel reassured about everything, it’s only natural xx #KCACOLS

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    1. Thank you…yes agreed, hormones have a lot to answer for! I think we all worry about everything…happy things, sad things, big things. It’s been very reassuring to read everyone’s comments about how normal this is and how they’ve felt the same. How exciting that you’ve made that decision (I never thought I would!) even it comes with the uncertainty and worries.
      Thank you for commenting. x

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  21. Firstly, you have done the completely right thing writing this post. Secondly, I think that what you are feeling is completely natural. Your body is doing this amazing thing, it is growing another life. However, for us that can be a bit overwhelming and make us feel less than great. It is natural to feel emotional and drained and resentful. There is a life inside of you that is draining your reserves and that be really tough going, especially when you already have another child to look after. I remember feeling the same towards my husband, that I was having to go through this and he was still able to live his glam life, free from responsibility. Of course he wasn’t really, he was working and worrying about his pregnant wife. I think you need to take the time to try and be kinder to yourself and if you are still feeling overwhelmed then be open about it and talk to someone or us. We are here for you. Big hugs.
    #KCACOLS

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    1. What a lovely comment, thank you so much. The support here has been incredible. Apparently this is normal, hurray! And yes, when everyone says it back to me in the way you have here, it does make sense. I’ve had a few days of feeling quite well and a lot of the negatives do fade a bit…partly because there’s less time to brood I think. You’re right about your husband…it’s not completely straightforward for them of course. And would I really let him do it all this time if that were an option? Almost definitely not…I make a rubbish nurse!
      Did I mention you’re lovely, thank you very much for commenting x

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  22. Thank you for writing such an honest post. And, no I don’t think you are being selfish in your thoughts and fears. I too gave up my career, though I now work from home in a different career path, and it was one of the harder things to do. I felt like I lost a part of my identity for a long time. Being pregnant with my second child was a mix of calm and stress. I was stressed about losing the little bit of freedom I now had and calm about many of the things I had worried about in my first pregnancy. I understand and I am glad you shared this. #kcacols

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    1. That’s a really good way of looking at it…it is a mixture of calm and stress. I’ve been really focusing on the stress recently but actually there is a lot I’m calm about too…maybe I should start thinking about that a bit more! Thank you.
      It’s interesting the way you talk about your career and identity…it can be so hard can’t it. I hope you feel whole again now.
      Thank you very much for commenting x

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  23. Absolutely not a selfish post, a brilliant one for sure. I can really relate to these feelings, I was not too dissimilar with my second, I wanted him, of course and I was happy to be pregnant and eagerly waited his arrival, but there was a feeling of ‘I’ve done this before, it’s someone else’s turn’ and a bit of a dark shadow that lurked behind me. But we are now 9 months in to baby number two and after a tough first few months (born 2 months early) I can say that I feel like me again (well the mum version of me) and that shadow is no where to be seen. The only thing I was conscious of when I was pregnant and had these feeling was that, in all likelihood it was my last pregnancy (sniff sniff) so to try and keep that shadow at bay I tried so hard to enjoy it…sometimes easier said then done I know. Hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and the arrival of the new addition xx #KCACOLS

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    1. Sorry for the delay in replying to your lovely comment Sarah. It’s very reassuring to read that you feel like you again (I like the way you’ve said the mum you, I can understand that!) and sorry to hear you had such a hard early (literally) start. Like you, i imagine this will be the last pregnancy so I think the approach of trying to enjoy it as the last time is really important…something I need to get a little bit better at! Thank you for commenting x

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  24. Thank you for this, we’re in the second child debate at the moment and I have lots of these thoughts already. I’ve just started writing a blog post about making this decision and wasn’t sure about finishing and publishing it as it feels so selfish. Your post has encouraged me to do so as we must be more open about our feelings.

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  25. It will be ok. Second pregnancies are easier is some ways, as you know what to expect more. But they can also be much harder – because you know what to expect more. You know how much life will chnage, how dependent they will be on you. It can feel suffocating. I think those feelings are normal. They can take time to go away. When my daughter was born, my son was diagnosed as autistic at the same time. It took me quite a while to adjust back to feeling ok with all the changes that brought. But things always get easier. Be kind to yourself. xx #KCACOLS

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    1. Gosh, that must have all been a lot to take in but yes you’re right we do adjust don’t we…whatever life throws at us. Well yes so far I agree things have been both easier and harder, it’s confusing! Thank you for commenting, sorry for the delay in replying xx

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  26. A very honest post and one that I’m sure many women will relate to. Pregnancy brings up every kind of emotion and sometimes all at once. I’m sure you know that most of what you feel will be down to hormones but that doesn’t make them any less of real feelings! You will be fine once the baby comes, I’ve just had my second and I wondered how I would feel and what would happen to the relationship with my son. Turns out, I’m too busy to give it any thought at all now that she’s here and I love her just as much #KCACOLS

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    1. Ahhh that’s lovely to hear…I think we always worry about things that are coming in the future but when they happen you live them so there’s no time to worry! It’s lovely to hear that you are settling in to life with two happily, thank you so much for commenting…sorry for delay in responding x

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