Hello! It’s your Mother here.
People have been asking for months (and months and months) now: ‘do you want another?’ like you and LJ are cups of tea and they’re wondering if they should put the kettle on.
Apart from balking at the assumption that ‘another’ will be easy to come by I haven’t really known how to answer this question and I think you need to know why.
Firstly I think it’s only fair you know that I feel completely not ready for you. The thought of the sleepless nights, the crippling tiredness, the worry about your newborn fragility and logistically managing to care for you and your big brother at the same time sends me into paroxysms of anxiety.
I don’t want my baby LJ to be a big anything yet…will he feel ready to be a ‘big’ brother…? maybe he could just be your brother until he wants to be big about it.
I also don’t really relish the thought of my body not being mine again for another couple of years through pregnancy and breastfeeding. The sickness, the pain, the feeding-induced exhaustion…
I’m worried about splitting my time and my love…not giving you as much as I was able to give LJ and not giving LJ as much in the future as I do know.
And so instead of saying ‘mind your own business, unless it is tea you’re offering, in which case I’m accepting’ I say ‘oh no, definitely not yet, no!’.
But secondly you really need to know that I feel completely ready for you. Getting to know your personality; watching you need me; grow and need me less then more in different ways; being there for you and loving you makes me feel so excited.
I’ve got a suitcase full of hand me downs for you. Your cot is ready and waiting in the loft, the Tummy Tub will need a clean but it’s basically ok. I can remember how to tie the sling. There’s a box in the spare room full of baby toys.
And despite being so protective of my body now that I don’t even want to get a bra fitted, the thought of sharing it with you makes me feel happy. The pregnancy sickness will at least mean you’re there; I’ve done birth once, I can do it again! Right? And the breastfeeding? Well I hope, almost primitively so, that it works out for us.
I don’t know how it will be possible to love anyone as much as I love LJ, but I am sure that you know how it’s possible and I’m looking forward to you showing me.
I really, really hope we are lucky enough to have you in our lives one day, I can’t wait to meet you.
With love from a fellow second child, your slightly bonkers (please don’t let that put you off) future Mother
P.S. If you could arrange it so that you breeze through teething that would be great
P.P.S. I’m really grumpy before 7am
P.P.P.S. Please come